Did you know that I took the foundation course in Nonviolent Communication 3 times? In fact I know of a few advanced trainers who sometimes repeat a foundational course every now and again, even after teaching it for 5-10 years. As I consider moving my focus away from teaching the basics of NVC by offering courses that integrate NVC with other practices such as Circling, Mindfulness, Tantra and more, I find myself conversely, returning back the the pure magic of the foundations of NVC with renewed love for the depth of awareness and presence it has brought into my life.
With the last Authentic and Compassionate Relating Foundations course of 2024 approaching on November 13, I find myself reflecting on the transformative power of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Over the past nine years, NVC has been my guide in developing a way to connect authentically with myself and others. Returning to its foundational philosophies and concepts, reminds me of how vital these basics are—even as I explore other modalities.
In my early days with NVC, I was laser-focused on “getting it right.” I followed Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step model with precision, but it often came out sounding robotic. My family and friends would give me those polite smiles that said, “Are you serious?” Looking back, I see this as a necessary “rite of passage,” much like learning a new language. I was awkward at first, then gradually found the flow that brought the words to life. But, as with learning Greek or French, there were moments where I needed to be patient with myself and let the language sink in naturally.
Just last night, I listened to an old NVC Foundations training with Marshall himself—a session I’ve heard over 20 times . And while his examples were so powerful, I also cringed at what I judged to be the rigidity of some of the phrases the group were working on. I found myself torn between admiring the beauty in the precision and awareness he is inviting us into, and wishing for a more fluid, human approach that allows us to speak freely. I was reminded by what I had come to learn after some years of studying NVC, which is that the Model is there to guide me towards life serving communication and choices, whilst the intention is not to necessarily speak exactly like that: In my workshops I want to offer participants a chance to really learn the model, but also to let it soften, and become a part of their natural discourse.
Each Foundations course I teach begins with this invitation to hold the 4 steps lightly. The four steps of NVC are brilliant tools for dismantling judgment and fostering connection. Yet, they’re not an endpoint. They’re a starting place for developing an authentic language that expresses the heart of what we want to share. As we learn to observe without evaluation, we create space to truly connect and transform how we see ourselves and each other. But if we cling to these steps too rigidly, we risk sounding more like robots than real people, losing the spark that invites others closer.
For me, the beauty of NVC lies in balancing the care for nonviolence through structure with the freedom of authentic self-expression. Welcoming our judgments allows us to learn from them instead of suppressing them. This openness reveals the deeper needs beneath the “jackal” voice of judgment, helping us lean into understanding rather than shutting down. Every time I return to these basics, I’m reminded that NVC isn’t about “perfect communication” but about staying present and mindful with each choice and interaction.
Returning to the foundations brings me back to the core of NVC: a compassionate tool that invites authenticity, choice, and presence into our lives. Holding the steps lightly lets me stay true to myself, blending NVC’s clarity with my sometimes-messy humanity. It’s a way to keep nurturing the aliveness I seek in every relationship.
A Simple Exercise: Practicing NVC’s Four Steps
Try this exercise using the four steps of NVC in a real-life scenario:
Observation: Start with an objective observation. For example, “When you didn’t respond to my text yesterday…”
Feeling: Identify and share your feelings about the situation. “...I felt disappointed and a little hurt.”
Need: Connect to the deeper need behind the feeling. “Because I really value responsiveness and feeling connected.”
Request: Make a clear, specific, and positive request. “Would you be willing to let me know when you’re too busy to reply?”
Practicing these steps can feel clunky at first, but as we use them more naturally, they open up space for genuine connection and understanding.
If this resonates with you, I warmly invite you to join our next Foundations course. Together, we’ll explore the edges of NVC, connecting in the present moment and rediscovering what it means to communicate from the heart. Let’s grow together in deeper, more compassionate ways. https://www.empathart.com/events-1/authentic-compassionate-relating-6-x-wednesdays-pm-nvc-level-1-3
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