The Relationship Loop: Identifying and Shifting Patterns That Keep Us Stuck
- emmacbuggy
- Mar 18
- 4 min read
Do you ever feel like you and your partner keep having the same fight—over and over again?
One moment, you're having a normal conversation. Next, you're both spiralling into frustration and emotional triggers. My partner and I have been navigating this lately, especially during a period of big life changes and extra stress.
We’ve found ourselves getting stuck in loops where one of us reacts, the other misinterprets, and we both end up feeling unheard and disconnected.
These moments often aren’t about what’s being said—they’re about the reactive cycle that takes over.
What’s Actually Happening? The Feedback Loop Explained
This is called a feedback loop—when both partners’ reactions reinforce each other, making it harder to break out and reconnect.
Here’s a visual representation of how these loops work:
🔹 Example:
Partner A expresses worry about the future →
Partner B hears this as criticism →
Partner B gets defensive →
Partner A feels unheard and pushes harder… (And the cycle continues…)
5 Common Feedback Loops in Relationships
1️⃣ The Anxious + Distancing Loop: The More I Chase, The More You Run
Pattern: One partner seeks closeness, the other pulls away, creating a painful cycle.
🔹 The more I ask for reassurance or try to get you to engage,
🔹 The more you feel overwhelmed and withdraw,
🔹 Which makes me panic and push harder,
🔹 Which makes you shut down even more…
🌀 Example: "Do you even love me anymore?" → "Of course I do, why do you always ask that?"
🚨 Trap: One partner feels dismissed, while the other feels pressured and avoids closeness even more.
2️⃣ The Conflict-Escalation Loop: When Every Argument Feels Like a Battle
Pattern: Both partners escalate—one reacts with anger, the other matches the intensity.
🔹 The more I raise my voice and push my point,
🔹 The more you push back with frustration,
🔹 Which makes me feel unheard and double down,
🔹 Which makes you match my intensity, or outdo it…
🌀 Example: "You never listen to me!" → "Well, maybe if you weren’t always criticizing me, I would!"
🚨 Trap: Both partners fight for control instead of understanding.
3️⃣ The Fixer + Resistor Loop: When “Helping” Feels Like Control
Pattern: One partner wants to fix things, while the other rejects and resists help.
🔹 The more I offer advice and try to solve things for you,
🔹 The more you resist and dismiss my help,
🔹 Which makes me feel unappreciated and try harder,
🔹 Which makes you dig your heels in even more…
🌀 Example: "You should really start meditating, it would help your stress." → "Can you stop telling me what to do?"
🚨 Trap: One partner feels rejected, while the other feels controlled.
4️⃣ The “Who Has It Worse?” Loop: Competing for the Harder Struggle
Pattern: Both partners compete for whose pain is bigger, instead of listening to each other.
🔹 The more I express how hard things are for me,
🔹 The more you feel unseen and start sharing how hard it is for you too,
🔹 Which makes me feel dismissed, so I push harder,
🔹 Which makes you feel the same way…
🌀 Example: "I’m so exhausted from work today." → "Yeah? Well, I barely slept at all last night!"
🚨 Trap: Instead of empathy, both partners fight to be heard first.
5️⃣ The Perfectionist + Rebel Loop: The More You Push, The More I Resist
Pattern: One partner likes structure and control, while the other pushes back against rules.
🔹 The more I remind you of responsibilities,
🔹 The more you resist, procrastinate, or ignore,
🔹 Which makes me feel ignored, so I double down,
🔹 Which makes you rebel even harder…
🌀 Example: "You still haven’t taken the bins out." → "I’ll do it when I feel like it, stop micromanaging me."
🚨 Trap: One partner feels like they’re always nagging, while the other feels like they’re being parented.
Seeing the Dance, Not the Dancer
💡 Pause. This isn’t about proving your partner is the problem.
The cycle is the problem. Not you. Not them.
Every couple has a pattern that plays out—and it’s often unconscious.
The goal isn’t to stop emotions from arising—it’s to learn to step outside the automatic cycle and respond differently.
How to Break the Cycle
Step 1: Recognizing the Loop – A Quick Self-Checklist
Before jumping into the exercise, ask yourself:
✅ Do we keep having the same argument in different forms?
✅ Do I feel stuck, unheard, or misunderstood?
✅ Does my reaction to my partner feel automatic, like I’ve been here before?
✅ Do I tend to believe “If they would just change, I’d feel better”?
✅ Do I leave these conversations feeling more distant rather than closer?
If you said yes to 3 or more, you might be caught in a feedback loop.
Step 2: Mapping Your Feedback Loop – A Fill-in-the-Blanks Exercise
👉 The more I (e.g., get anxious and push for reassurance),
👉 The more you (e.g., withdraw and go quiet),
👉 Which makes me (e.g., panic even more and keep asking questions),
👉 Which makes you (e.g., feel overwhelmed and shut down completely)…
🚨 Self-Check: Are you using this to prove your partner is the problem? If so, pause. This is about seeing the dance, not blaming the dancer.
Step 3: Moving Toward Awareness – Journaling Prompts
1️⃣ What emotions does this cycle bring up for me?
2️⃣ What is my deepest longing in these moments?
3️⃣ What might my partner be longing for?
4️⃣ How can I pause before reacting next time?
5️⃣ If I could shift one small thing in my response, what would it be?
Curious About How You Communicate?
If you’re ready to explore how these cycles play out in your own relationships, I have a few space to work with couples and individuals between now and July 2025.
💬 Book a free discovery call to see if working together could support you in your relationships.
Let’s create more clarity, connection, and presence—one small shift at a time.
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