Whether it's about how to school your children, navigating political differences, or conflicting views at work or in relationships, holding opposing perspectives can be one of the most challenging aspects of staying connected with those we are close to. It touches on our deepest fears and needs for belonging, unity, and togetherness. When our community connections feel threatened, it can be disheartening and even terrifying.
This year, with wars and political upheaval dominating headlines, I’ve found myself repeatedly navigating these tense waters of differing perspectives within my own relational networks. The disconnection that many of us felt during the polarizing times of COVID still lingers in our collective memory. Conversations, particularly about global politics, can feel like they carry an undercurrent of threat—making even casual discussions fraught with the potential for separation. For me, this has hit especially hard with the conflict in the Middle East, which affects my family deeply. And I’ve found more resources within myself that support me to stay connected now than I had 8 to 12 months ago.
Looking back 10 months ago, when the recent phase of the Israel-Gaza conflict was still new, I remember how scary and disorienting it felt to engage with loved ones who had opposing views. It wasn’t just about the disagreement; it felt existential. The fear wasn’t only about having different perspectives on the outcomes of war and violence, but also a deeper fear of not being united in the face of something so serious. My body reacted with anxiety and confusion, because unity and togetherness in times of horror seemed like the only path to real safety in my body.
In reflecting on that time, I realized something crucial. My mind was constructing a narrative that our disagreements might somehow determine our future safety. That if we weren’t aligned now, it would lead to a catastrophic breakdown later— such as the eventual loss of my family relationships or the disintegration and polarisation of our society and the wider world. I was subconsciously attaching so much weight to our agreement that it felt like our disconnection might influence the trajectory of future events. This was perhaps an irrational but deeply human way of trying to make sense of the collective state of uncertainty and fear that we were feeling.
Yet, as time passed and I continued to have these difficult conversations, I began to notice a shift. I realized that while our opinions were polarized, the core of our desires was the same: to protect human life and dignity. Beneath the surface of our disagreement, there was a shared longing for safety and unity, even if our routes to get there were wildly different.
When the stakes are high, it’s so easy to react from a place of fear and horror, because I want to protect that which is most important to me. I would often find myself wanting to convince my loved ones that my side was the "right" side, that my perspective was more informed, compassionate, or just. And I noticed they were likely doing the same towards me. This tug-of-war to be "right" or “righteous” can so easily govern our every interaction in these moments, coming from that place of wanting to stand for what is important to us. Yet when I look at my own guttural reaction to protect what I believe to be true, that wish to shut down the other person's perspective or even leave the relationship or conversation because being not being heard is too painful: I am reminded of Marshall Rosenberg saying:
“we play a game called who's right and Who’s wrong… have you ever played that game? It's a game where everybody loses.. When you're right then you get rewarded, and if you're wrong you get punished”
So in this game, if I let someone “win” in order to stay connected, I’d lose a part of myself in the process and if I dominate my perspective over another I lose sight of their dignity and my respect for our joint humanity is at risk.
This dynamic—of trying to convince, of information battles—can be the most difficult part of human relationships. Even within the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), it's easy to create a hierarchy of what's "right" and what's "wrong" based on spiritual or intellectual ideals and hope for a better world. It can in fact become so easy to use the principles of non-violence to make all violence and all choices that are not easily or immediately perceived as pro life and compassion, to be wrong, evil, bad or worse still - uneducated in the language of nonviolence, which is “obviously better than the language of domination”. Even writing the last sentence I can see how easily it is for me to agree with that evaluation and I imagine many of you reading will agree that I am “right”. And yet I worry that when I look at life from these perspectives, I hugely miss out on the complexity and nuance of human experiences that make up all realities. I immediately put people into the good camp and the bad camp, which very quickly creates a rebellion and separation between the right-doers and the wrongdoers.
I’ve come to realize that underneath this desire to be right is a yearning for recognition, being seen, understanding, closeness, for belonging, and for safety. We want to feel like we’re part of something meaningful, that we’re standing on solid ground with those we love, and that no matter what, we won’t be abandoned. For some of us knowledge and righteousness gives us access to a sense of self worth, of being understood on a deeper level than we have before by those few that stand beside us.
The Science of Shared Perspectives
Studies in social psychology show that humans are wired for connection, and part of how we create and maintain bonds is through shared perspectives and values. When we feel aligned with someone, especially in our views and beliefs, our brains release dopamine, reinforcing the positive feelings of connection. So it is no wonder that we are clawing for that resonance and dopamine hit. However, it’s also possible to sustain connection even when we don’t see eye to eye, by focusing on shared values that run deeper than opinions. If we can stay in the discomfort of having opposing views, the kind of closeness that can be possible is often forged from the deep intention to stay connected in the face of such uncertainty, which is certainly not an easy choice. IF we can stay curious towards one another, then while we may disagree on politics, we might both deeply share the values of kindness, justice, or the desire for safety for all people.
Hope for Togetherness
So, while I began this piece by asking how to stay connected in the face of disagreement, I believe there is hope for maintaining relationships even when perspectives differ. Connection doesn’t always mean agreeing—it can mean staying curious, open, and committed to understanding the humanity behind the other person’s beliefs. I can still say, I don’t like the actions or choices you make, and yet I see why you do what you do. I really dislike the idea of forcing agreement or pretending differences don’t matter; for me the question is how to truly hold space for complexity together, whilst clearly standing for what is important to us.
And for me, I realise that the goal is not necessarily to always stay connected at all costs but to stay connected to my own values and to see the heart of the other person, even if we diverge. Can we recognize the dignity and humanity in the choices and perspectives of others, even if those choices seem so opposite from our own? In doing so, we may find that connection isn’t always about sameness, but about the willingness to stay present and open to each other. In this perhaps a true sense of togetherness can be touched, when we meet each other's hearts, from across the divide.
A Practice for Staying Connected in Conversations with Differing Opinions
When faced with a conversation where you and the other person hold opposing views, try this simple practice to stay connected:
Pause and Ground Yourself: Before reacting, take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the ground and centre yourself in the present moment and your intention to connect with the other person.
Tune In: Ask yourself, What is important to me in this conversation? What am I standing for? Reflect on the values that you hold sacred and are underlying your own position.
Listen with Curiosity: Instead of focusing on the words you disagree with, ask yourself, What might be important to them beyond the words they’re saying? What are they standing for? Try to hear the deeper message behind their opinion—whether it’s a desire for safety, respect, fairness, or something else completely.
By attuning to both your own heart and the heart of the other person, you can foster understanding, even in the face of strong disagreement.
Bridging the Divide: Conflict Transformation for Young Jewish Adults (November 11th - December 16th, ONLINE) For those looking to deepen their ability to navigate these conversations within their communities, families, and friendships, Janine and I are offering a focused 6-week Foundations Course in Nonviolent Communication for Jewish adults under 35. This course will support you in having difficult conversations, especially within mixed cultural environments where expressing yourself can feel challenging. If you’d like to join or have any questions, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. We would love to welcome you.
General Foundations course in Authentic and Compassionate Communication Starts November 13th: If you want to learn how to transform conflict into an opportunity for connection in your family, relationships or work, this course will be an interactive and live experience of exploring our differences as you learn the tools of Non-violent communication to support you in an online group.
Open Events for All Backgrounds: If you would like to attend or host an open event where people from all identities and backgrounds are welcome to share and be heard together, we will be offering those spaces in the coming months. Do contact us if you have a community you would like us to work with around this topic. We would love to come and support a way forward through connection. You can read about our vision cross community dialogue HERE
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