Have you ever noticed how some conversations deepen your connection, while others seem to quickly spiral into tension?
The difference often isn’t just in the words we say—it’s in the emotional state we’re speaking from.
Just this morning, my partner, currently on a retreat in Portugal, sent me an excited message about his vision for us to move to a community there (in the near future).. His enthusiasm was clear, but before I even typed a single word, my body tensed with fear and frustration. We’re in the middle of buying a home in the UK—how could he suddenly want something so different?
I tried to regulate myself, but I still responded too soon—before I was truly grounded. My reply came from a place of worry, from my deep need for stability, and in doing so, I almost missed the excitement and invitation in his message.
Luckily, I caught myself before hitting send. I deleted the message and took a breath, promising him I'd respond once I was in a clearer headspace. Reflecting on it now, I see exactly what happened:
I wasn’t responding from the present moment reality — I was reacting from fear and anxiety. And when I lead from fear, I rarely create the kind of conversation I actually want to have.
Why Do We React This Way?
If you’ve ever felt an instant surge of defensiveness, shut down emotionally, or experienced a wave of anxiety in a conversation, you’re far from alone.
Our nervous system is wired to protect us. Sometimes we can’t differentiate between a real, physical danger and an emotional threat—both can trigger a survival response. So when something in a relationship feels overwhelming, our body can jump into protection mode before we even have a chance to think logically.
The Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Response
When triggered, we tend to fall into one of these patterns:
🔥 Fight – Defensiveness, criticism, pushing back. ("That’s ridiculous! Why are you even considering this?")
🏃♀️ Flight – Avoidance, shutting down. ("I can’t have this conversation right now.")
❄️ Freeze – Feeling stuck, unable to respond. ("I don’t even know what to say…")
🤝 Fawn – People-pleasing, agreeing just to keep the peace. ("Yeah, maybe that could work…")
This happens often in relationships because we are wired for connection. Anything that feels like a potential disconnection—even a simple difference in desires—can feel like a threat to
our sense of security.
For me, my partner’s message triggered my fear of instability in a moment of us creating stability together, which drowned out the excitement he was attempting to share with me. My body read his words as a threat, and my knee-jerk reaction was to correct, defend, and push back—rather than to listen.
And that’s completely human.
My desire isn’t to eliminate my reactivity here, but to notice when it’s happening in me and support myself to shift into regulation before or whilst responding.
How to Recognize When You’re in a Reactive State
This morning, I knew I was reactive.
My heartbeat was faster. A mix of frustration and worry swirled in my chest. My mind raced, trying to form a response that would make him see my perspective. I felt the urgency to correct him, to make him understand why his idea was unrealistic.
That need to convince, control, or seek reassurance? That’s always my red flag. It tells me I’m acting from fear, not clarity.
What You Can Do
When you feel yourself slipping into reactivity, pause and check in with your body:
✔ How’s my breathing? Is it shallow, fast, or uneven?
✔ Has my body temperature changed? Do I feel flushed, hot, or suddenly cold?
✔ Where is the tension? Do I feel tightness in my chest, throat, shoulders, or back?
✔ Do I feel numb or frozen? Am I shutting down or withdrawing?
These physical signals are your body’s way of signalling: "I need support before I respond."
A Simple First Step: Shift Into Regulation Before Responding
The key question: What does my body need right now?
This morning, I needed movement. I went to the gym, and after sweating out the tension, I felt a lot more more settled, more open. Other times, especially when my partner and I are face-to-face, I might:
✔ Name what’s happening: "I’m feeling dysregulated or activated right now"
✔ Ask for a pause: "I need a few minutes to connect with whats coming up for me, before we continue."
✔ Express my need for space: "I hear you, and I want to respond with more presence. Can we revisit this later?"
The real shift comes when I allow my emotions to exist, rather than fighting them off. Instead of resisting, I remind myself: "Of course I’m feeling this way— I am a human being with a nervous system that's trying to keep me safe here, and my needs do matter!"
How Responding from Regulation Changes Everything
Today was a reminder:
➡ When I respond from reactivity, I create disconnection.➡ When I respond from regulation, I create trust, clarity, and connection.
Once I took time to settle, I could see my partner’s excitement without feeling threatened by it. I could express my own need for stability without dismissing his dreams. Instead of a power struggle, we had a conversation—one where we both felt heard and respected and excited together about a future that includes both of our dreams.
In essence, my response shifted from fear to something more open:
✔ "I hear your excitement, and I can imagine being with you in that."
✔ "Right now, I don’t see a way for us to make that move in the next few months."
✔ "Because of other life changes, I long for a period of stability."
✔ "I trust that your excitement reflects something deeply meaningful to you, and I want to honor and include that as we create our future."
✔ "Let’s sit with this together when you’re back and explore what truly aligns for both of us."
Why This Shift Matters
When we react impulsively, our words often land as criticism, dismissal, or control.
But when we take a moment to regulate, our words become an invitation—one that fosters deeper understanding, presence, and connection.
A Simple Practice to Try
Next time you feel yourself slipping into reactivity:
✔ Pause. Take three deep breaths.
✔ Notice. What’s happening in your body?
✔ Ask. What do I need before I respond?
Even a few seconds of awareness can completely shift the conversation—turning disconnection into deeper connection.
💛 Curious about deepening your communication in relationships? I have a few openings for couples and individuals between now and July 2025. Reach out for a discovery call—I’d love to explore whether we’re a good fit to work together.
Comments