Today, I want to talk about a topic I’ve had a complicated relationship with: anger. This emotion has always been tricky for me to express, understand, and sometimes even recognize, especially when I choose to suppress my feelings to maintain harmony with loved ones.
Can you relate? Maybe you find yourself expressing anger explosively and then regretting it, or you suppress it until it boils over. We’ve all been socialized to handle anger differently. In the UK, the predominant narrative is that anger is a bad thing that needs to be "managed." In contrast, in the Middle East, where my mother is from, anger is often seen as a sign of honesty and strength, and expressing it freely is a way to move quickly through conflict.
Cultural Narratives and Anger Expression
In Western cultures, such as in the UK, there is a tendency to view anger as a negative emotion that should be controlled or suppressed. This is linked to societal norms that prioritize politeness and emotional restraint. Studies have shown that this suppression can lead to negative health outcomes, including increased stress and cardiovascular issues (Psychological Science) (SpringerLink).
Conversely, in many Middle Eastern cultures, anger is often seen as a more acceptable and even necessary form of expression. It can be perceived as a sign of strength, honesty, and a way to assert one’s needs and boundaries. This perspective is linked to the value placed on direct communication and emotional expressiveness in these societies (SpringerLink).
Impact on Behaviour in Relationships
These narratives shape how individuals behave in relationships. Where anger is suppressed, people might struggle with passive-aggressiveness or bottled-up resentment, which can harm relationships over time. In contrast, when anger is more freely expressed, relationships might experience more frequent conflicts, and relationships where power dynamics can become harmful to the overall feeling of trust and care.
So, we can see that both suppression and explosive self expression of anger can harm our relationships.
Connecting with Anger Authentically
With such diverse stories surrounding anger, how do we connect with this universal emotion and express it authentically yet responsibly?
In my latest podcast episode with Andy Hix, a dear friend and mindfulness coach, we explore the hidden gifts beneath the prickly layers of anger. I liken it to the rambutan fruit of Indonesia—fiery red and spiky on the outside, yet sweet and juicy on the inside. The fruit’s tough exterior protects its tender flesh, just as our anger often guards our deepest vulnerabilities.
Recognizing that anger is a protective mechanism helps us see beyond its fiery surface to the tender message it conceals. Behind every angry outburst is something important that needs protection. If we dismiss anger as merely bad or dangerous, we miss the beauty of these underlying sentiments.
However, anger can have a negative impact on those on the receiving end. Consider a scenario where a parent shouts at a child for hitting a friend. The parent’s anger stems from a desire to teach respect and care, yet the child may feel guilty, ashamed, and emotionally abandoned. The parent’s intended message—STOP, I’m worried about you hurting your friend and want us to be kind to each other—gets lost in the delivery.
Expressing our concerns clearly and calmly, especially when we’re triggered, is challenging. But it’s crucial for maintaining emotional connections and conveying our true intentions.
Tune In and Join the Conversation if you would like to discover how to navigate your own feelings of anger and uncover the hidden gifts that you are caring for and wanting to express in your relationships. Listen to our latest episode here and share your thoughts in the comments. We’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts around how you see and express anger?
P.S. Got another topic in mind? Let us know, and we’ll explore it in an upcoming episode. 🌟
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